


brave the world

by evaneddie



Series: dhylen writes one shots [13]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: father buckley is an asshole transphobe, kiddo buckley siblings, maddie loves her younger brother so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 15:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20932220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evaneddie/pseuds/evaneddie
Summary: a story of a young buck announcing his true self to his parents.





	brave the world

**Author's Note:**

> please enjoy this second last tumblr transfer :)

Looking up at the dark night sky, he inhales deeply as he stares intently at the glowing stars sprinkled in front of his eyes. It’s hard not to think about the events that just unfolded mere minutes earlier. Tears threaten to spill down his face and fall silently to the grass beneath him, and he squeezes them shut as hard as he can. It’s no use though. The first one falls, landing on the greenery beneath his head. One turns into another, and soon he is sobbing quietly enough that his parents can’t hear him from inside. Not as though they would be able to catch it over their loud arguing anyway. His heart is heavy, as if someone had somehow broken into his chest and decided to continuously grip it tightly. It makes him feel ill, wanting to throw up the little bits of dinner in his stomach he managed to eat before everything went to hell.

_“I don’t want to feel bad anymore. Being this way makes me feel…” He scrambles for the right word, but his brain just won’t cooperate. “Bad.” It’s a quiet ending to the statement, disappointed in himself for not coming up with the correct term. Speaking up about his feelings during their regular conversations while eating is by far the scariest thing he has done in the whole eleven years he has existed._

_Maddie places her fork down to the side of her plate and gives him a reassuring look. ’You’ve got this,’ her face says. She knows what’s coming. She knows the words he is about to speak can go drastically in either one direction or the other. Hoping for the better outcome of the two options, she gives the tiniest nod and takes his hand in hers, her left covering his right._

Even though she is five years his senior, his sister is the best friend he has ever had. He confided in her for everything. When he first developed a crush for one of his classmates, the first thing he did was tell Maddie. Being the most amazing person in the world, she gave him a good listening ear and as much guidance as she could. He has no idea how he got so lucky to have an older sister like her. Many of his school friends have those weird relationships with their siblings, where one moment they will be arguing and hating each other and be best buds the next second. Yeah, he and Maddie get on each other’s nerves, but they’ve never had anything but love for one another.

None of the conversation had gone anything like he had expected. Not even after replaying a multitude of scenarios in his mind had he expected the reaction that came of it. Of course, Maddie was the first one he spoke to about the issues he was having with his body, and it came as no surprise that she was more than supportive of him. She just wanted him to be happy, and if that meant some things about him had to change, she would be there by his side every step of the way. No matter how their parents react.

_“I want you to call me Buck. It’s our last name but shorter.” He panics. Why can’t he remember what a shortened version of someone’s name is? Why can he remember what it’s called when someone uses a name for you that isn’t your real name? He can’t think of it. Too much is running through his mind, and he can barely form a thought. What if they hate him? He doesn’t know why they would hate him, just for being himself. What if his dad kicks him out? He’s heard about things like that happening to kids like him. Even worse, what if Maddie changes her mind and decides she doesn’t want anything to do with him ever again? There is no way he will be okay losing the most important person_ _in the world to him for something as silly as being comfortable in his own body._

Tears continue to slip out of his eyes, and his body shakes as he sobs into the chill night air. This sucks. The moment plays over in his head, again, and again, and again. It doesn’t seem to be giving up any time soon. Mentally he attempts to prepare himself for the next scene to unfold in his short term memory. It doesn’t work, nothing could ever prepare him for it, regardless of how many times it would be run through by his brain.

_“Why on Earth would you want us to call you that?” his father spits. It’s almost as if he already knew. It’s as if he knew and despised of it as soon as he could._

_“It’s a boy’s name,” he replies meekly. “Nickname!” It’s blurted a little too enthusiastically for the room and how it’s read right now, but he couldn’t hold it back. It was this little tiny moment of glee. A little moment that puts a smile on his face, a smile that disappears as quickly as it showed. Finally! He remembered the word._

_“Because I’m a boy. I want to get rid of Rachel and choose something else, but I don’t know what yet. So, for now, it’s just Buck.” Buck. He likes the sound of that. It’s short and simple. Perfectly ‘boy-ish’._

He hates himself for this. Why can’t he just be normal? Stupid! It would make life so much easier if he was happy being a girl. Or if he were born as a boy. That would have solved everyone’s problems. Not just the people that frown upon this kind of thing, but for him too. He wouldn’t have to deal with the horrors of telling his parents that he is the opposite gender what they have been using for him his whole life. Having the body to match how he feels on the inside seems like a dream for far away in the future. Like a distant thought that he may never get to pursue to the extent he desires. Living in a girl’s body means growing boobs, something that does not feel as though it would fit naturally with him. It causes a panic, and he isn’t even there yet. He can only imagine how he will feel in the future if he doesn’t stop them from growing.

_“I remember reading somewhere that kids like me can get this medicine that temporarily stops you going through the wrong puberty. I want that.” His short nails dig into the palms of his hands as he clenches his fists as tight as he can. Somewhere… He remembers exactly where he read that. The library in the city has great resources for him to find all of the information he needed. Telling his parents absolutely everything at once might be an overwhelming thing, and he doesn’t want to chance that happening and compromising what little possibility he may have to get them to allow him to go on puberty blockers._

_Even just talking about becoming who he really is makes him giddy. Just let him be happy. That is all he wants. To be himself, to be happy in his own body._

_“Jackie, are you just going to let her say this shit?” If looks could kill, both Buck and his mother would have combusted on the spot. Glaring grey eyes bore into the young boy’s. They’re so full of anger and hatred, not just for Buck, but for the entire world._

_“Him,” she bravely replies to her husband, correcting his misgendering language. Shooting a quick glance at Buck, she gives a smile and tells him how proud she is. “Baby, I love you, no matter what okay? I am so proud of how brave my son is right now. It must have taken a lot of strength and time to tell us this important information about yourself.”_

_Buck cries. Hard. Just as he had done when Maddie hugged him and told him that everything was going to be okay, because they had each other. “Thank you.” It’s a broken whisper through sobs, almost unable to be heard._

_A stinging blow connects with his cheek, making it burn with a red hot sensation. He cries out in pain as his hands reach to clutch the area of his face that now hurts. It was his father’s hand. Lucas had never been violent before, rarely ever even raised his voice, let alone backhand slap one of his children. “If she wants to be a boy, I am going to treat her like a boy. Rachel needs to learn how to cop an ass-whooping is she wants people to treat her like a boy.” He is fuming, towering over the rest of the family._

_“Dad, stop! Please!” It’s a scream at the top of his lungs, and it takes all of his willpower to project his voice that high and harshly._

That is how Buck found himself outside on the grass, gazing up at the stars, crying quietly as his parents have a yelling match inside. It isn’t the easiest conversation to listen to, so he does his best to block it out. The voices move and a door slams. He thinks they have taken the argument into their bedroom, but he doesn’t want to risk going back in just yet. He just wants to shower and get some sleep. Maybe if he could sleep and never wake up that would be the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Maybe his dad will come into Buck’s room later that night and hit him again, only this time Buck wouldn’t resist. A beating would be given until he can’t take anymore before eventually his breathing ceases and he slips away.

‘I shouldn’t want this for myself,’ he thinks. ‘I’m too young to be wanting to die.’

Unfortunately the universe does not give a single care about how old you are. It doesn’t discriminate, just inflicts pain to those who don’t deserve to live a terrible life.

With the stealth of a ninja like in the movies, he makes his way upstairs to his room without announcing his presence. Even though nothing went as how he had hoped it would, he wouldn’t go back and not tell them. It was something that needed to be done. Something that will one day change his life for the better. At least, he prays it does.

The air is cool in his room, sending a gentle chill up his spine. There is a small knock on his closed bedroom door, and his stomach somehow pulls off a round of five somersaults in a row. As lightning fast as he can, he sits up, dreading what is to come next. Maddie pokes her teary faced head in and gives him a little smile. Why has she been crying? Did he hurt her too? If he did, he would go and give their father a piece of his mind.

“Did he hurt you?”

A soft shake of her head is enough to instantly calm him. Maddie deserves better. Better than a horrible father. “Not in the way you think,” she says. It’s quiet, and he knows what she means. Lucas hurt Buck, and that emotionally wounded his older sister. She cares for him, as he does for her.

The door shuts quietly behind her as she steps into his room. Buck moves to one side of the green covered mattress and lays his head on the pillow. The bed dips slightly as Maddie makes herself comfortable, and she spreads out behind him, wrapping his small body close to hers. It’s a soft gesture, and Buck appreciates it now more than ever. Her body is warm against his back. It takes everything in him to not let all of his built up emotions from the past hour flood out in a heavy stream.

“I’ve got you, little brother.” Five little words. So tender and caring. Full of love and support. Screw being tough. He cries quietly again, and lets his sister hold him, before they both fall asleep not long after their parents stop yelling.


End file.
